| And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town |
[Thursday
April 30th, 2009
10:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lady Antebellum/I Run To You |
] |
So rather than doing my big HTML project that is due on Saturday, I have decided to write in LJ.
What is the great announcement I have to make?
GREROGOERGYU 9084YGUOIGHDFG. That's what. =|
I've been thinking way too much lately... About everything. It's not cool. =\
I really have no desire to go to work tonight. Not to mention, I feel so bad that I couldn't/didn't work for Abi Monday and she ended up working... Ugh... I just want to get away from everything right now...
Blahblahblahblah.
I just really don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused about everything.
Grar...
"Not a million fights could make me hate you
You're invincible
Yeah, it's true
It's in your eyes
Where I find peace
Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
Let's light up the town
Scream and shout
Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
I can see in your eyes
You're ready to break
Don't look away"
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| Now I know I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale |
[Saturday
March 21st, 2009
11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cobra Starship/The Church of Hot Addiction |
] |
My cat is annoying the piss out of me lately. She pisses on everything, and won't stop meowing. And in the middle of the night, she digs. Leading me to go insane.
Woah, I'm updating? Yeah I'm bored as hell and I have nothing to do. It's the last 2 days of Spring Break, and I have no one to hang out with. Ugh.
So tomorrow is one month since I had to put the puppy to sleep... This has been a hard month. =\ Blah. And now I'm alone... and feeling incredibly lonely. I want another puppy, just for that comfort and companionship for when Ray isn't here. Nyeh. Unconditional love is great from a fuzzy friend. I hate feeling lonely. Whenever I was feeling lonely the puppy was there for me. =( And it's Saturday, so I'll be at work before Ray comes home so I don't get to talk to him. BLAAAH. Seriously. -_-;
I didn't get much sleep last night. I hate it when that happens. And my eyes are sore. Ughhh.
So, there's 49 days until school is over, thank God. Then Ray and I begin our apartment hunting, I can get out of this house, and I can get the hell away from Frendly's... Just start a new life, which will be good. I can't take much more of this. I'm far too stressed out lately. Bah.
I'm feeling really...blah lately. I'm not even sure why. =\
Who's gonna read this? Oh, right, no one. =| No one really reads LJ anymore. BAAAH.
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| Arg. |
[Tuesday
January 13th, 2009
11:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
This is all getting to be too much. I can't fucking do this. I can't.
I just started hyperventilating because I was asked to come in an hour early, and I didn't know when I was supposed to come in.
But wait! Don't I normally work during the day on Tuesdays? Why yes, good observation.But Jay called me last night and said that Katie wasn't working today and she asked me if she could have my hours because Jay told her I didn't want to work today. So yay! No Work! But then Katriena texts me saying "You know Katie was supposed to work tonight, right? Are you taking that shift?" Whatthefuck. And then Brittany just says "Oh hey could you come in an hour earlier?" But I haven't even responded saying I'm taking that shift, but apparently I am because I switched shifts with Katie when I said yes. Not Katie's fault, because she didn't know she was working. Not Jay's fault, because he didn't know either. My fault for not wanting to work. Now I'm fucking working 'til close. I FUCKING HATE CLOSING.
And then of course my dad calls asking if we can cash his goddamn bottles.
I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO GO THE FUCK AWAY. I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE.
I'm fucking going insane. I really am. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I'm trying my hardest to do this all by myself. To not rant. To just be happy. Why is that so hard? Why is it so fucking hard for me? Why aren't I strong enough? Why can't I be happy around him? For him? Why is it getting so much harder to keep those promises? Why don't I feel good enough? Why can't I deal with all of this shit?
I'm a horrible, unstable bitch.
Perhaps after taking dad out I'll just drive somewhere. I have no idea where.
OH BUT WAIT. Dad doesn't ask to go places. I quote him this time.
Dad: When do you want to go?
Me: Idk, I was thinking in a couple minutes.
Dad: Okay, cause after wards I want to go to Betro's to pick up my meds. Then we can go out to eat.
Me: K.
I'm done fighting all of this.
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| Screw you, life. |
[Thursday
December 18th, 2008
10:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Why is it that when everything is going incredibly well, something needs to happen to screw it up for us? What do we do to deserve that?
After being up until 2 or 3 and not being able to sleep, I now have to go to work. I feel like shit and my stomach is still killing me. I can't deal with people today. I just can't. It's going to be a long day filled with me trying to not yell at the first person to bitch to me about something.
Now what? I'm worried about everything.
I have so many stupid things running through my head...
I don't want him to have to get a job he hates. I don't know why, I just don't think he should. I want him to enjoy life now... He'll be working his ass off later...
I don't want him to get yelled at...or lectured at... or whatever it is...
Why couldn't the fucking lady just take the money? And why the fuck was she blaming him? IT WASN'T HIS FUCKING FAULT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT. Ugh, god. Why the fuck couldn't you just pay the goddamn registration fee you twit?! ...I just feel bad I didn't speak up when she was blaming him for it. I wish I had.
And then because of this I'm just getting more and more upset about everything. I'm just getting weaker and weaker throughout this whole thing. It's getting difficult...
I just don't know... I want Christmas so I can be happy and not think about everything...
=\
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| RantRantRant |
[Thursday
December 4th, 2008
11:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Ranting before work!
Ya know, mom always promised me I'd never lose my place of residence again after Stoughton. Although, I know to never take anything she says seriously now. I just don't get how a mother can not care for her children. But whatever. I also don't get how bad people get what they want. Stupid bitch.
Anyway... So we can't get the money from insurance and my dad is being incredibly stubborn. Like what the fuck. We're going to lose the house YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I know you don't care about it and you could move out when you need to, but I can't. I can't just go find some where because I'm disabled. And what about Jay and Kris? And I do NOT want Ray to get some random job just so we can pay for a crappy apartment together... He has a good life, and I don't want to ruin it because he has to move out before planned. It just has to last a little bit longer. Just until May... Please? Please? If not... Ugh I don't know. This just sucks pretty hard. I'm scared. I'm scared I won't have anywhere to go. My pride won't let me stay with Ray. It would kill me because I would feel like a mooch. His family has done so much for me, but they don't need someone else in their house. They don't need another kid. I just don't know.
I'm confused. And scared. But now I have to go to work.
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| Notemine's Down |
[Tuesday
October 14th, 2008
6:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sugarland/Stay |
] |
Am I that easy to lie to?
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| Oh, Notemine. |
[Thursday
August 14th, 2008
11:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brad Paisley/Letter To Me |
] |
For all you Notemine people, this is Dravenelle. My LJ is bitching a lot, but only because it's what I didn't post on Notemine, or needed more depth explained for myself. Once I start using it more, it'll get better.
Also, excuse the messed up LJ layout. That'll get changed soon enough. ...In the next month? Maybe. >> <<
Yes, I just made a post for Notemine. SHUSH. =3
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| My LJ is for ranting... |
[Wednesday
March 12th, 2008
7:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fucking horrible |
] |
My LJ has now turned into a Rant Journal for when the NM post time is too long and my mind is going wild. Like now.
I can't fucking do this anymore. I just... I can't. I'm trying so hard to do this on my own. I'm trying so hard to do it by myself. To not rely on ranting to Ray to make myself feel better. To not bring down a perfectly good day by bawling my eyes out at the end of it. To not be some insecure psycho girlfriend like I have been.
Work is sort of taking it's toll on me. I hate not having that much free time because by the time I get back from work I'm really tired. Not to mention, they're making me work this Saturday even though they accidentally gave it to me off. And I'm probably working 5 of the 7 days of Spring Break, which sucks even more. I do need the money, however...
But mostly it's just me trying to deal with my emotions by myself this past week. I'm so bad at it. It's so painfully obvious when something is wrong and of course it ruins the day. Why am I actually really trying? Because no matter what Ray says or does, I forget it later and that calm it brought me goes away. With every day it actually gets harder and harder to be really happy with a stupid nagging voice in the back of my head. I just... I don't know. I am so upset with myself it's not even funny.
Is it not enough sleep? Is it too much stress? What the hell is it?
There's so much more I want to say, but a public domain is nowhere for it to be said, and it would completely defeat my attempt at dealing with my stupidity by myself.
I want to stop crying every day. I want to stop ruining Ray's day and mood.
Saying that I feel fucking horrible is a giant understatement. And I know you hate it when I'm like this/say this, but I hate me right now. Sorry that I probably just ruined your night like always...
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[Saturday
March 8th, 2008
7:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 </3 |
] |
I can't breathe.
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| Tell me you'll breathe me 'till your last breath Liar, liar |
[Wednesday
February 27th, 2008
10:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hurt |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TV. |
] |
Words cannot explain what I am feeling right now.
NM is down, which sucks.
I have work tomorrow, which sucks more.
My head hurts.
My stomach hurts.
...My heart hurts.
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| She can't hide it anymore So scream now or forever live in hell Her silence isn't virtue |
[Saturday
January 26th, 2008
2:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nyeh. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dashboard Confessional/Don't Wait |
] |
LJ updates instead of doing homework. That's the way life goes when you're cool like me!
I have to work at 5 today. It's all good though, I hope. I think. I don't know. At least I do know this is something I would not want to do forever? ...I already knew that, but whatever. It's alright, I guess.
Um.. what else. School is alright. The classes aren't incredibly boring, and I have someone to talk to in all of them but Sociology, but that's first period and I'd probably rather just sleep. Although, my English class seems to be filled with some stupid people... And I think one of them used to be my friend in Stoughton. Ah, well. C'est la vie. And of course, Ray is in my Oral Interpretation and English class, so yay! My math class is borderline retarded. The teacher isn't very good at telling us where things are or anything. Oh, internet classes.
Notemine 2.0 is coming out in a day or two! That makes me incredibly excited, like you don't even know. I just hope I won't be at work when it's launched so I can go look at all the AWESOME features!
Nyeh. I'm in such a weird mood of over-thinking. Fuck you, over-thinking. I'm bad at this confidence thing, I think. I would just like to go to a corner for right now. Meh. I really just want to be older and living with Ray and knowing what I'm doing in life. I'm sure that would make it a bit easier on me. No second guessing myself or thinking about how I've potentially messed up that day. And let me tell ya, I can easily find somewhere I think I've messed up. Then I start to feel really bad and just bleh. I just wanna get away for a day or something and not have to worry about *anything*. I hope when I house sit in March it'll be something like that. Hopefully I can get that week off from work. If not, that's okay, I could just drive to Medfield to work. But I will need that week off in July for NH. No one's taking NH away from me. >|
Words really can't explain how much I want to not be acting like this. Fuckin' A. I know, I know. I could just be happier! I am happy a lot of times, it's just when I'm not. (Durrrr.) My mind just likes to go to worst thing possible a lot. It's not totally my fault. I'm just scared. I can't help that I'm scared, can I? ...Can I?
...I seriously don't know who even reads this anymore. =| What happened to you, LJ? Everyone ran away...
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| I'm in love with my guitar. |
[Friday
January 4th, 2008
4:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Instant Star! =3 |
] |
4 am adventures!
( Hey, that sounds like the dishwasher is leaking. )
Anyway...
I miss you LJ. Kind of. But no one reads you anymore that doesn't read NM. D: How sad.
I'm going out to eat with Clay, Kathy, Erin, and Steffi tomorrow. Now THAT is exciting. =3
Ah well, that's it. =)
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[Monday
December 17th, 2007
6:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
Ray wants me to make a happy update.
I bet he's the only one who even reads this anymore, huh? Yup..
He should be studying. He's paying more attention to the computer, though. Tsk tsk.
OHMYGOODNESS. OH SO HAPPY. SQUEE FILLED JOY. YAAAAAAAAY!!! =DDDDDD
So I totally own and am done with classes - that's joy.
(He's sitting there telling me to make it happy, and I was apparently being fake happy. So this is like a wtf is going on, man? haha)
OHMYGOODNESS REAL HAPPY.
And hahaha PL makes my life. Seriously. xD
Steven is ranting. About what, I have no idea. But it makes me giggle all the same.
Ummm... STUDY, DAMN IT. hmph. That means you. ---------->
I am plenty happy. Someone convince this boy that I am happy? Please?
He's pokin' me.
I am happy. happy happy happy happy. IT'S REAL.
And wtf this is just like me typing instead of actually talking. What a lame journal entry.
So it's almost Christmas! (I am happy.)
I think I might be keeping some kick ass headphones, speakers and TOTORO STUFFIE. =3 It's awesome and the best size ever.
And hahahaha oh my goodness. That was awesome.
I want my present from Ray, but not an inflatable Santa. D: It will never be as cuddly as Totoro. For reals.
Now I guess I have to go help Ray study instead of making a happy entry.
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| And amongst this self inflicted pain I can see my beautiful rescue |
[Tuesday
December 11th, 2007
12:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bright Eyes/Padraic, My Prince |
] |
Nyeh. Who needs to update? I do! I do!
Really, this is just procrastinating from my Western Civ research paper. Ick.
To add to the list of the ghettotasticness that is my car, I think it's leaking brake fluid. ARG. WTF. At least I don't have to pay for brake work. =)
...And I just found out that Addie ate my headphones when she got out. Grrr... At least they still work. I would be very mad if they didn't...
I had a couple of dreams last night about Jordan... I want to go see him but god, am I scared... Why? I know he's gone. But once I go it's final. He really is never coming back... I just don't know. I miss him a lot... There hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about him.
Anyway. Let's get to something better... hm...
Or I could just totally blank, that's cool too, yanno.
My throat really hurts...
Nyeh. My mind is all weird lately. It goes from one extreme to another over nothing... I guess I'm disappointed in myself? Who knows...That could all be a load of crap. I don't even know.
Nyeh. I guess I should go start my research paper... or at least get lunch.
ねぇDarlin'プリーズ、プリーズ置いてかないで、お願い
バカだって事ぐらいわかってる、わかってるから
もう少し、もう少しだけバカな娘でいさせてよ
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[Tuesday
November 20th, 2007
9:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
HOUSE <3 |
] |
I can't tell you how many times I come back to LJ to see the last entry that it saved that I never posted.
o_O I didn't even read this one. I'm in an alright mood, and don't need to read that to be sad. (And now it's gone forever, so there.)
I'm currently watching House. =) yay.
My back hurts really badly and I have no idea why. It sucks. Right now hurts wicked bad. It's hurt for like 2 weeks, but right now I can barely move. =|
In other news - I HAVE A CAR!!! Woohoo. I bought a couple seat covers and one doesn't fit (the driver's side is bigger than the passenger D:), and a steering wheel cover that doesn't fit. I just can't win! It's sad! But I'm going to return them and stuff tomorrow maybe. If I have time. If not, I might brave the store on Friday. Ew, Thanksgiving day. And maybe I'll go out job hunting... I have to do that, anyway. =|
I was talking to the wife of the guy who sold me the car. She is legally blind, has Alzheimer's, and has dementia. She can't even remember how old she is. She asked me how old I was at least 10 times, and said the names of all her husband's siblings at least 20 times. At one point in time she was rambling and ended a sentence with "I had a husband, too." Paul informed her that she still does, and she just smiled and said "Oh? Well, then I'm happy!" It made me smile. And it kinda made my day. =) It was so sweet and <333!!
Kay. House is back. See ya later, LJ.
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[Sunday
November 11th, 2007
11:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
Oh. LJ... how neglected you are.
I'm sorry. Kind of. But by the time I think to update you, all that needs to be said is said on NM and/or BT.
But then there are the things I can't say on Notemine, but they are too long for either NM or BT. And if I can't say it on NM, I can't say it on LJ. It's just the way the world works.
Man, do I wish I had a manual for my mind... I would love it right now. A clue as to where the override button is might be a good start, I think.
I kind of like just watching the letters appear as I type... It's cool looking, I guess.
Oh, btw, LJ, I'm getting a car. It's a 1998 Chevy Lumina. I think I should name it. I don't know what, though. I should have it on the road in about a week, I think. That's good.
And am I really talking to my LJ like it's a person? Oh, you bet I am.
I don't know if the fact that I have entries on the first page from before school started on my LJ is a good thing or a bad thing... Looks like I've gotten out of my compulsive updating habits.
I'm just not really sure, anymore, LJ. Not sure at all...
" dude, I just came up with the best idea for a Metal gear solid game!
....
it starts with Snake having to infiltrate a terroist meeting..
I swear to God, if you say "Snake on a plane" at any point during this story, I'll cut you.
..so, what's everyones plans for the weekend?"
It made me giggle.
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| You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit, you would you would |
[Sunday
November 4th, 2007
11:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Academy Is.../Everything We Had |
] |
Why is my iPod so retarded? It won't get the right time for Boston, so I have it set up for Austin. Fuck you, Apple. Get your damn time zones right! (And yes, I realize there's a thing to switch Day Light Savings on and off, but if I do that it goes between 1 hour ahead and 2 hours ahead.)
In other news, I got my license!
In other other news, my mom's a douche and makes me want to kick a baby. =)
I need to remember to do my homework.
The bunny's giving me an evil look. and cleaning itself. Damn, that's a fat bunny.
I never really talked about college, did I?
I don't really like my English class.
My psych class is alright, except it's EXTREMELY BORING. I could just take the notes and walk out and I'd be getting the same experience as just sitting there and dazing. I do well in it though and the teacher likes me, so it could be worse.
Western Civ... don't even get me started. The teacher's retarded and the people I talk to are typical guys. Always talking about who's hot, or who they'd fuck. They're alright when they don't talk about that though... They can actually be pretty funny when they're not being stupid. Somehow I actually look forward to this class, though. Maybe it's because it's the class before lunch and it goes by the fastest of all my classes, maybe it's because of the days when those guys are tolerable. Who knows?
American Government... Eh, it's alright. I don't know, really. It's my last class of the day right after lunch... So it's got it rough in my eyes. But it's always canceled. I think we're up to 5 times already this semester? Who knows. The tests are pretty easy, because he just gives us a study guide with all the questions to fill out (multiple choice. like a pretest.) And he just moves the questions/answers around for the test.
Math is internet math. What can I say? I do the work once a week and get pissed off because it's dumb and you don't simplify all the way sometimes and it's very easy to hit something wrong when you type it in on a quiz and then BAM... It's wrong. D:
I don't know. School is just school. And my back fucking hurts. Even if I lay down. I think I'm gonna go find my vibrating squishy pillow and take full advantage of it. D:
Toodles, LJ land.
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| Happy Halloween! |
[Wednesday
October 31st, 2007
11:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TV |
] |
It's Halloween!!! =)
I'M SO HAPPY.
3 year anniversary! I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much Ray. I love you more than pi has digits!
Idk, I'm kinda really tired. =3
( HALLOWEEN! )
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| TOTOROOOOOOOOO |
[Friday
October 26th, 2007
9:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I has a flower <3 |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
What Not To Wear FTW. =3 |
] |
This is my update!
Of coolness.
Because there is a giant Totoro blankie and it is fluffy!
And a cute music box!
and all sorts of other stuff.
and awesome bedding.
and such.
WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOoOoOoOoOoOo....=P
edit'd:
YAAAAAAAY TEAM.
My leg just got bit. =O RABIES AND COOTIES OH NOES!!!!
End Edit'd
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